The Deep Dark Abyss of FASD

We had two beautiful days of calm to try and pick up the pieces and I'm not talking about the physical mess that OLA made. I'm talking the mess he has made of my heart and my emotions. I don't know how to heal my shattered heart. The pain is so deep that I can't even begin to describe it. There is no one with whom I feel I can share. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and never move again. I have never been to a place where I have felt more lonely than I have felt in the last three weeks. It is a never ending wave that has over taken me. I love the this child from the depth of my heart but I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I am truly drowning. I am scared, frustrated, angry, and most of all in the loneliest place I have ever been. It is a deep, dark, pitch black pit that I have been cast into. I feel as if at times there isn't even any hope - no light at the end of this tunnel just never ending darkness. I don't feel I know how to heal the sorrow that is consuming my soul. What an ugly, ugly mess. My world is beyond ugly at this point in time. The hurt is so deep and I'm not even sure who to be angry with. Maybe myself. I wish I could help him. But there are things in this world that all the love in the world can't heal. I don't know why I am complaining no one wants to read that and no one really cares anyway.  But I'm am going to leave this entry because maybe someday people will understand what it is like to live with a child who's life has been changed by prenatal exposure to alcohol and then maybe the insanity will stop. Maybe no more children's lives will be forever damaged unfortunately it is too late for my child.

Hellish!!!

My life at certain points has become H***!!! A complete and total nightmare! For days on end OLA has been wound tighter than a spring and melting on a regular basis. We can not figure out what is triggering this change? But last night took things to a completely new level. OLA found out shortly after school that BBA was getting a new pair of shoes and he was not. Then the fireworks began for the next five hours (no you did not read that wrong). He was yelling, name calling, talking back, throwing things, ripping things, and just basically out of control. At one point we finally called a friend who has some specialized training to try and intervene. All though the worst was calmed I think the friend was even a bit frustrated by the time he left. The worst was it almost meant a trip to the emergency room for admittance because he was so out of control that we could not get him to de-escalate. This morning we are still cleaning up the mess. Believe it or not the pictures were taken after some cleaning had taken place. He was H*** bent on entire destruction. I hate my life sometimes I don't know how I am going to continue swimming through this set of rough waters. There is no escape. I don't dare leave when OLA is this way because the rest of the family will fall apart too. It's a mess and I don't just mean the house. I'm so tired and I honestly don't know who or where to turn too. If you haven't lived with a child like OLA it is so easy to pass judgement on him and on us as parents. I know I've been living that nightmare too. If you don't live with them you DON"T understand so please don't judge it makes our place a whole lot uglier and lonelier. Too tired to swim and sinking fast is where I'm at.

The bean bag was ripped and completely unstuffed - its contents all over the floor.

Bean bag filling, bedding, books and other items in his room.

Torn curtain - at first I thought he had cut this. But no he was so angry he ripped it even through the hem at the bottom.

The squash met their untimely end.

The mattress was torn - it is only a year old.

It was also colored on.

This is what is left of the mess in the living room - several boxes of cereal got untimely launches across the floor.

This is what is left of the mess in the kitchen after some clean-up had already taken place.

That is a pile of books that he ripped off the book shelf and then poured the contents of two Lego buckets over.

The clothes in his closet torn down and thrown on the floor.

More bean bag stuffing and a piece of a torn coloring book.

He ripped a book into pieces. This makes me sad - books were never a target until he took lessons from a four year old foster child we had who did this all the time. Now he uses it to up the anti.

Crayon madness on one wall.

The shelf that was unloaded. He tried  for more but I forced him to move somewhere else.

This wall map was hanging where the crayon madness is now present.

As I said these pictures are only part of the destruction - after some clean up had already taken place. Drowning, Drowning, Drowning with no way to find relief. Hellish is the word and I'm not going to apologize because it is the reality of this part of my life and it is taking over.

Two Nights in a row!!

OLA lost it again last night. He was told no and that was all it took. We have had multiple melt downs this week over not being able to do what he wants when he wants. What a mess. I don't know how much longer I can keep swimming. I am so tired.  This nightmare is never ending.

Some Days!!!!

Some days life just sucks!!! Yesterday was one of those days. OLA was just out of control. Melting every time he didn't get his own way. Throwing things, hitting kicking, yelling. It was good thing I hadn't really started my extra cleaning for tonight's activity or I would have had to do it twice. Or three times!  He started after school, then mellowed for awhile and then he started all over again about nine after they got home from scouts. We finally went to bed sometime around midnight or one a.m. It has been a really rough couple of weeks. He just is all over the place with his behaviors and most of it is just not good. I work hard to be understanding, advocate, and be a parent with reasonable expectations for him. But, sometimes I just get tired - some days it would be easier if I could just stop caring - about anything. I hate my life sometimes - but I love my child so I just keeping paddling even when life sucks!!

It begins!!!

Well it has begun!!  I was hoping that with every passing minute, hour, day, week, month and year of school that we would miss the "inevitable". That is a trip to the Principal's office (not for a reward). But alas - tis not so. I should quit holding my breath on these things - I know it is only a matter of time. The principal met me at the car today after school. To tell me there had been an incident on the playground involving OLA. I didn't know whether to be mad, to cry, or to laugh ( although it certainly wasn't a laughing matter).  And although OLA knew he was walking over to talk to me he still didn't get it. On the way home he just kept asking me why I was upset at him. Oh, how I hate that disconnect in his brain. I just pray that we get him to all the way grown-up without him doing anything "really" stupid. He is just so impulsive and out of control it is scary sometimes - to say he doesn't think before he acts it putting it mildly. And when the ODD kicks in lets just ratchet everything up a notch - or two - or three - or even four.  I'm swimming with all my might but I'm still drowning. What a nightmare this life is. And the worst of it is that when we were all done the principal said to me, " I'm still not sure I got the whole story figured out".  I told him "with OLA you probably won't".  I not sure he knew what to do with that statement. They don't really get FASD. So the fun begins. Yippee, for Me!!

FASD Awareness Day!!

September 9 is National/International Awareness Day.

Every year on September 9th, International FASD Awareness Day is observed. Proclamations are issued in countries, states, provinces, and towns all around the world. Bells are rung at 9:09 a.m. in every time zone from New Zealand to Alaska. People all around the world gather for events to raise awareness about the dangers of drinking during pregnancy and the plight of individuals and families who struggle with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD). The first FASDay was celebrated on 9/9/99. This day was chosen so that on the ninth day of the ninth month of the year, the world will remember that during the nine months of pregnancy a woman should abstain from alcohol.Anytime is a good time to raise awareness about Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD).

Remember 0 - 4 - 9 . Zero alcohol for the Nine months you are pregnant!

FASD's are 100% preventable.

Third Grade

Well third grade at our house started with a bang. OLA went back school and all heck broke loose. Both Sunday and yesterday we had some of the worst melt downs we've had in ages. What a mess. Starting school comes with both good and bad multiplied by about a million (slight exaggeration I know - LOL). I like it because I get a much need break from the chaos. But I hate it because the major battles begin once again. The worst is that we haven't even started with homework yet (that won't be for a few more days - oh joy of joys!!!). This year could be a real deal breaker. The concepts start to become more abstract, the work is harder and more of it, the teachers less forgiving, on top of it we have a new Principal and obviously a new grade and teacher. The stress level has been high around here for several days.
The one thing that I hope will be a real plus for him this year is that his teacher has a special ed endorsement. He's in a regular education class but the teacher has had extra training in special education. I hope this becomes a positive thing for him and his success this school year. We will have to see - for now we are cautiously treading water. Maybe the large waves will gives a break for awhile - cross our fingers and throw me a life jacket!