Heart Ache!

Tonight my heart hurts. We have had a couple of days of peace with OLA. Almost a snapshot in time where you could believe that we are a normal everyday family. But it can change in an instant. For the last couple of days OLA had been so peaceful, no melt downs, no fights for baths, no resisting bedtime. But tonight came the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transition. The melt down, the name calling, the fighting the shower, and resisting bedtime. When at last he caved and let me lay next to him, my heart hurt for what might of been. I try not to dwell in this place to long it doesn't change things. But some times my head goes where my heart would prefer it didn't. As I lay there in the darkness, with tears silently streaming down my cheeks that heartache would not leave and neither would the "what ifs?"  There are moments when I feel how cruel life can be. And yet there are moments when I know the joy of this sweet little boy. That is when my heart ache the most - wishing it could be like that for always. If only his brain didn't have that short circuit.  But, I wouldn't trade him for a million children, he is mine, heartaches and all.  So maybe tomorrow we will see Dr. Jekyll again instead of Mr. Hyde.