Monday, May 21, 2012


I feel so tired and burned out. I feel stressed and depressed. It seems that for every three steps that we take forward we take two backwards. Yesterday morning was the first Sunday morning in months that was actually relaxing. It was the first time in months that I haven't gone to church worrying about what OLA would do and who would be making a judgement call about my parenting when he was running up and down the hall or misbehaving. It was the first Sunday morning in months that my stomach wasn't tied in knots and I didn't have a massive tension headache. It was a relief to just stay home and not have to do any damage control or intervention.
Now I'm torn between really liking church itself (so wanting to go) and just staying home so I don't have to fight those giant waves every week. I wish things were different some how but  they are not. There really isn't any relief and no one I can really turn too. I feel so very isolated. There really isn't anyone who understands the how depressed I feel or how much my heart is breaking. I don't very often vocalize my needs when OLA's needs are so great. But I need understanding and a listening ear. I need people to understand OLA and FASD. I need respite. I need friends not criticism and judgement.
I just want to cry - maybe like I said I'll quit swimming and just sink to the bottom. I'm so tired.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


Today, I am sluffing church. I said I was finished last week and I still feel that way. Although I would have been able to go without the stress of OLA. Both he and his BBA are sick today. I can leave BBA with OLA when they are both sick for a couple of hours. So it would have been a peaceful day. But, also gave me a perfect excuse to stay home. So I took it. I am really just tired. Some times swimming is just plain hard work. It has been a really rough couple of weeks. Coming up on the finale days of school for this year has really thrown OLA for a loop and keeping him on an even keel has been a dicey dance at best and an all out war at worst.
On a side note we are going to see the pediatric behavioral specialist (at the children's hospital) again tomorrow. I don't know which direction things will go as we work with him. OLA still is not on meds and in many ways that is good. But if there are meds out there that would help him regulate better (without major side effects:( ) that would be good as well. We have been approved for a service dog for OLA and are currently fundraising. However, the process is long and slow. The fact that OLA appears normal, I think, sometimes act as a deterrent to our progress. People tend to look at us like we are crazy when we talk about him having disabilities. And think that he has no need for the help a service dog can provide for him. But we keep pressing forward through the waves with faith that we will some how make it and make a difference for him.
But, the constant battles on one front or another make me tired and sometimes sad. So today I am sluffing church. We will have to see what next week brings.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Nothing Like . . . .

There is nothing like Mother's Day to make you feel like a failure. Today was one of those days where I think I'll just quit swimming and let myself drowned. I don't even want a life preserver tossed to me. Church has become one big colossal joke. OLA can't/won't  (however you want to look at it) sit still, he won't stay in the children's class.  I just don't want to fight it anymore. I'm so tired of the looks, the questions, and the if you would only?  Let's face it when it comes to being a mother to OLA I am just one big, old failure. I obviously don't know how to get it right.  I love that little man - I would do anything I thought was in his best interest for him - but obviously I'm no good at deciding what is best for him. Others have all the answers to what is best and I flunked that course in school.  I hate Mother's Day and I hate Sundays. The wave was big today and I think I'll just sink to the bottom and never come up for air. I'm done!!!!