I feel so tired and burned out. I feel stressed and depressed. It seems that for every three steps that we take forward we take two backwards. Yesterday morning was the first Sunday morning in months that was actually relaxing. It was the first time in months that I haven't gone to church worrying about what OLA would do and who would be making a judgement call about my parenting when he was running up and down the hall or misbehaving. It was the first Sunday morning in months that my stomach wasn't tied in knots and I didn't have a massive tension headache. It was a relief to just stay home and not have to do any damage control or intervention.
Now I'm torn between really liking church itself (so wanting to go) and just staying home so I don't have to fight those giant waves every week. I wish things were different some how but they are not. There really isn't any relief and no one I can really turn too. I feel so very isolated. There really isn't anyone who understands the how depressed I feel or how much my heart is breaking. I don't very often vocalize my needs when OLA's needs are so great. But I need understanding and a listening ear. I need people to understand OLA and FASD. I need respite. I need friends not criticism and judgement.
I just want to cry - maybe like I said I'll quit swimming and just sink to the bottom. I'm so tired.
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