Empty

Often times when the going gets a little rougher than normal I am able to find, from somewhere down deep inside, a reserve supply of grin-and-bear-it fuel. But this week the tank seems to be empty. I realized this on Sunday when OLA started to melt mid-way through the main service of church. He was mad at both BBA and I over something that was trivial to us - but obviously not to him. I tried comforting, distracting, and asking him to walk out of the chapel with me to get a drink. He is physically too big for me to lift anymore. So we were kind of stuck. He started to get a little bit loud and aggressive. After a few minutes I just got up and left. I've never done this before - too scared of what he might do when I'm not there.  And I didn't come back - I went down to one of the classrooms and cried. My husband sits up next to the pulpit and was unavailable at the moment. And I guess BBA left too, to escape the rising tide.  A good friend of mine noticed what was happening and came to sit with OLA. He calmed down and went to his class after the main service was over. I continued to hide out in the bathroom until a few minutes into these classes and then quietly slipped out. My husband noticed me and followed. He suggested I go home - something I've never done before - at least not this way. He even drove me there and let me have some time to myself to try and regroup.
Unfortunately - the tank and the reserve have already been spent. I have had a tough time recharging this week. The battle is raging on all the fronts and I'm not sure we are winning.  And I certainly don't know how I'm going to recharge and I'm struggling with the desire of facing the gantlet of church services this next Sunday. I don't know if I can find the reserve to do it all over again this next time. I'm too tired and too empty to keep swimming against the waves.