Wednesday, November 14, 2012
The Deep Dark Abyss of FASD
We had two beautiful days of calm to try and pick up the pieces and I'm not talking about the physical mess that OLA made. I'm talking the mess he has made of my heart and my emotions. I don't know how to heal my shattered heart. The pain is so deep that I can't even begin to describe it. There is no one with whom I feel I can share. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and never move again. I have never been to a place where I have felt more lonely than I have felt in the last three weeks. It is a never ending wave that has over taken me. I love the this child from the depth of my heart but I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I am truly drowning. I am scared, frustrated, angry, and most of all in the loneliest place I have ever been. It is a deep, dark, pitch black pit that I have been cast into. I feel as if at times there isn't even any hope - no light at the end of this tunnel just never ending darkness. I don't feel I know how to heal the sorrow that is consuming my soul. What an ugly, ugly mess. My world is beyond ugly at this point in time. The hurt is so deep and I'm not even sure who to be angry with. Maybe myself. I wish I could help him. But there are things in this world that all the love in the world can't heal. I don't know why I am complaining no one wants to read that and no one really cares anyway. But I'm am going to leave this entry because maybe someday people will understand what it is like to live with a child who's life has been changed by prenatal exposure to alcohol and then maybe the insanity will stop. Maybe no more children's lives will be forever damaged unfortunately it is too late for my child.